Game of Tampons

By L.R. Zimmerman

Winter isn’t coming, your period is.

The world of period products is ever-changing, so I wanted to shop around for a more resourceful alternative for the “Red Wedding.” I was doing some research online while watching the latest episode of Game of Thrones when I had an unusual manifestation that maybe blood wasn’t the only commonality between the two. The more I thought about it, the more I realized the G.O.T. cast had a whole lot of similarities to the products I was researching. I decided to make a comparative analysis linking feminine hygiene products to eight Game of Thrones characters. Let’s get started…

#1 Arya Stark is The O.B. Tampon

The O.B. tampon and Arya Stark have been independent from the start and unconstrained by social expectations. The compact and reliable tampon is simple in appearance and never aspired to be a “proper applicator.” Like Arya, the O.B. has endured a constant stream of challengers throughout time but has persevered, maintained discreteness and is touted to be a top competitor.

#2 Olenna Tyrell is The Pad

I know Olenna hasn’t been on the rag for over a decade or two but I couldn’t imagine referencing her as anything else. Olenna is the elderly matriarch and the real O.G. of the cast. Like a pad, she is wizened in appearance and uses old school tactics to get the job done. Olenna has never lost a night’s sleep over what she’s done to protect House Tyrell, just as a pad won’t let you lose sleep worrying about how to protect your undies from blood stains.

 

#3 Daenerys Targaryen is The Diva cup

D is for Diva Cup and Daenerys, unrivaled and ready to rule the Seven Kingdoms. There are several brands of menstrual cups but I thought the Diva Cup in particular was best suited for the Game of Thrones’ diva herself. The menstrual cup is innovative and has become a major contender by venturing outside of the norm and setting new standards in the game of period products. One could say that the menstrual cup is the Breaker of Chains, or better yet, Breaker of Strings. Once word of the menstrual cup began to circulate, the cup got it’s wings, became the top period product on the market and is now loved by many.

 

#4 Yara Greyjoy is The Sea Sponge Tampon

Yara and the sea sponge tampon have three commonalities, they’re organic, underrated and you can find them at sea. Yara Greyjoy is the renowned captain of the Iron Islands. Even though she has the respect and devotion of her crew, she continues to face constant scrutiny for being a woman in command of the fleet. Similar to Yara, the reviews of the au natural tampon will vary based on who you’re asking.  The once-living sponge is eco friendly and biodegradable, but it is from the ocean and may potentially harbor unwanted bacteria. The sponge does get the job done and on a side note, a reviewer stated that you can have sex while wearing it and a spermicide can be applied as an extra contraceptive.

#5 Cersei Lannister is The Gas Station Tampon

Starting your period on a road trip is the worst. Especially if you didn’t prepare for Aunt Flow’s visit. Buying period products at convenience stores is one of society’s cruel ways of punishing you for being a woman. The injustice reminded me of GOT’s malevolent villian and after further thought I found that there are a lot of similarities between the sinister she-devils.

Similar to Cersei, period shopping at a gas station can be ruthless and lacks empathy. The roadside stores typically offer only one option which consists of  a cheap cardboard application, that unravels itself before insertion, stuffed with an intimidatingly large, dried out cotton roll. Trash tampons, like these, and Cersei’s motives are not completely devoid of tact. She considers herself a master strategist and I’m certain the mastermind who priced the filling station’s torture sticks thinks of themself the same. Not only are you purchasing the shittiest quality tampon money can buy, the store also upcharges and makes you pay twice as much for the cotton cork. How rude!

#6 Ygritte is Free Bleeding

Jon: Why don’t you wear a tampon?

Ygritte: You know nothing, Jon Snow. 

Ygritte and women of the Free Folk value their status as free women, and disparage those living south of the Wall as ‘kneelers,’ who blindly follow the aristocracy.  They are skilled in survival, headstrong feminists and one hundred percent free bleeders. Ygritte was actually described as “unwashed” by Allister Thorne during Jon’s oath-breaking allegations.

Like the wildlings, free bleeders don’t care if you think they’re unwashed or not. Instead, they focus on people’s right to menstruate openly and shamelessly. Why are people so shocked by blood stains on clothing anyway? Bleed on, Sister! You do not need to apologize for your bodily functions.

#7 Sansa is The Tampax Pearl

Pearls have been valued as objects of beauty for many centuries. Because of this, pearl has become a metaphor for something that is rare and admirable. The Tampax Pearl is the crème de la crème of tampons and the luxury tampon will have you feeling like the true lady of Winterfell.  It is a primo tampon and appropriate for Sansa, ‘the pearl’ of the North.

Natural Pearls form when an irritant, usually a parasite, works its way into a mollusk shell. As a defense mechanism, a fluid is used to coat the irritant until a lustrous pearl is formed.

Sansa has had a few parasites to deal with herself. She had to endure her share of pain and suffering for a long time but the hardships have grounded her into a beautiful pearl and Lady of The North.

#8 Brienne of Tarth is The Period Underwear

Brienne of Tarth, a female knight of Westeros, and period underwear might have more in common than you think.  I wouldn’t be surprised if the thought of a female knight in Westeros and underwear designed to hold period blood was rejected at first. They are ungainly in appearance but hold up to the 5 star reviews.

Both have noble qualities and are principal figures that withstand fierce competition. Like Brienne, period underwear doesn’t have a femme aesthetic but who needs ribbons and bows when you have a Valyrian sword. Like the reusable undies, Brienne of Tarth has become a feminist icon and offers a more sustainable solution than disposable people, I mean, products.